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fuckimng hell ive been meaning to write all day & have not gotten to it. i have no more to say about the 22nd celebration of our Holy Day. except that i forget there
are people who read this besides niko. i have maybe TWO active followers on neocities that have left very nice guestbook messages. i check my guestbook often, it feels
a little pathetic if i do it too often but. i appreciate them all a lot. anyway. i spent today with my grandma & uncle again, which is almost always nice. i get to talk a lot more
than with my dad. theyre open to having their minds changed about things. we can have healthy arguements and i love it. i love trying to convince people of something. whereas
with my dad, hes right & im wrong & thats the end of that. im happy to say that i can finally grasp that hes not trying to be malicious, thats just 'the way he is'. & i hate that phrase
because i dont think people are a 'way'. you change. youre capable of change its a matter of if you want to. & i mean.. your additude towards things can change. your values & shit
dont but opinions are not meant to be concreate. if you dont change the way you think as you age, youre only aging physically. .. which is just.. attaching your mind to your body...............
anyywaaygshyyy UMM whatgelse i uhm. my mom. yeah? yeah. my mom is dead and has been in a jar on my grandmas dresser for over three years. my mom is not in a god damn jar.
she put that into me you know? the fact that once you die, you arent in your body anymore. i forget why or when she told me that but it was more than once & FUCK did it stick
with me. the idea of this shitsack going limp & my mind going ANYWHERE else drove me crazy. still drives me crazy. im so wildly obsessed with the idea of not being ATTACHED
TO THIS BODY. i hate it in here! you know how i know we arent just our bodies? D.I.D. i have five fucking people inside my head bro!!! do they have souls?? does independant
thought make you human? are alters human? do they get out of me when we die? do they go anywhere or is it really just.... a mental illness and theyre me. but theyre not me so fuck you.
FUCK . you. what RLSE. um. my uncle asked me if i wished my mom was still here & i said not really. i said im happier now & i know thats not because shes gone but i would have never
gotten better in that house because SHE wasnt getting better & she wasnt taking care of herself & it was going to happen sooner or later. they always say oh but your mom was so good before
she got sick, your dad was never there. i get that but i also know why & my dad is human as well. he had a drug problem and shouldnt have been around me like that anyway. plus i do not
remember 2008-2013. majority of my memories with my mom are from when she was sick. not ALL. but yknow. the human brain does that. im smoking now and calming down just a bit.
so im gooonnnnaaa go.. until next timewwwww
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