090120
its been a week now that im thinking about hurting myself. i cant DO THIS. please oh my fucking god let me kill myself. "i wish you were in a real school"
I FUCKING KNOW. I KNOW YOU WANT A NORMAL KID. I KNOW I STRESS YOU OUT. I STRESSED MY MOM OUT TOO. SO, WHY, IF I CAUSE
SO MANY PROBLEMS, WHY WONT ANYONE LET ME FUCKING DIE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD FOR? I FORGOT WHT TIME MY THERAPY
WAS TOMORROW & SUDDENLY THAT MEANS ILL NEVER KEEP A JOB BC I CANT REMEMBER TIMES. I FUCKING FORGOT. YOU NEVER FORGET
ANYTHING? I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS ON MY MIND. SORRY. AGAIN. EVERYONE WISHES I WAS NORMAL. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. FUCK
ALL OF YOU. YOURE WASTING SO MUCH TIME & MONEY. I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, NOT THIS MONTH.
BUT IT WILL HAPPEN. AND YOU WILL CRY. YOU WILL CRY EVERY TEAR YOU YELLED AT ME FOR.

thought i was done writing but im still shaking so i guess not. im THIS fucking close to ripping my thigh open with my fingernails. yeesh i swear a lot. whatever.
i feel better. still need to cut though. ok, just got yelled @ again - twice in the same morning! this time it was for not rising my coffee cup! and again about the job thing.
"i cant wait until you get a job & keep forgetting things. youll be out of there so fast."...like...okay. well if thats the case... im not even going to apply. again, if you have
so little faith in me, why do you want me here? im not trying to be dramatic. i am so serious. i will LEAVE. at any minute of any day.

"you act like its no big deal!, you cant do a fucking thing until you pass 10th grade!" I KNOW. I DONT THINK ITS A BIG DEAL? REALLY?
"this is why i want you in a real school" I FUCKING KNOW, "wake up at 7 like everyone else" ??? IM HAPPY IM GETTING OUT OF BED AT ALL.
NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.


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